So far today, I’d say I’m absolutely crushing it.
I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed at 4:00 a.m. Don’t be impressed—it was awful. But I’ve learned that I’m infinitely more productive before the sun decides to turn the Pacific Northwest into the surface of Mercury.
By 4:00 a.m. it was already in the 70s, which, in my opinion, is rude.
I walked 6.5 miles this morning. I even ran for parts of it.
Not much running, mind you. More of an aggressive shuffle. But it’s a start.
Unfortunately, my derriere was jiggling more than my boobs, which feels both physically and emotionally offensive. But we’re focusing on progress, not physics.
One of the perks of getting up before any reasonable person is that I practically had the walking path to myself. I was happily listening to a ridiculously spicy audiobook on my phone—without headphones because there was literally no one around.
Or so I thought.
Out of nowhere, a runner appeared and passed me right as the book launched into an incredibly graphic sex scene.
Not subtle flirting.
Not a steamy kiss.
Straight to business.
By the time I fumbled for the volume button, it was far too late.
To be fair, it was another adult, so I don’t feel that guilty. Although watching them turn approximately the same shade of red as a ripe tomato was…memorable.
The upside to being awake at the crack of dawn was all the wildlife. I saw deer, hawks, ducks, and even a couple of otters.
Honestly, the otters made the whole morning worth it.
Yesterday I did one of those workout videos where the instructor spends the entire time telling you how grateful you should feel to be exercising.
“You should be thankful your body can move!”
“Doesn’t this feel amazing?”
Meanwhile, I’m over here thinking, Lady…if I actually enjoyed exercise and possessed even a shred of self-control around carbohydrates, we wouldn’t be having this relationship.
Don’t get me wrong—I love how I feel after I exercise.
It’s the actual exercising that I object to.
The only exception is being outside…provided Mother Nature keeps the thermostat below “human casserole.”
Despite my lifelong campaign against organized exercise, I’m actually off to a pretty good start with this whole “be healthier” thing.
The eating part, however…
Let’s just say it’s still a work in progress.
In fact, I’m typing this while eating a giant piece of coffee cake topped with vanilla ice cream.
I’ve decided the coffee cake counts as breakfast.
The ice cream is lunch.
Nutritionally speaking, I’m choosing not to ask any follow-up questions.
Maybe I’ll tackle healthier eating next week.
Or the week after that.
Baby steps.
