Does anyone else have in-laws who cause them endless frustration? Maybe “endless” is a little dramatic… but at the moment it feels pretty accurate.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 13, which means I’ve officially spent half my life with this man. That’s honestly hard to wrap my head around, mostly because I still don’t feel like a fully functioning adult most days. I’m pretty sure actual adults don’t eat cookies for dinner while hiding in the pantry wondering if they’ll ever get caught pretending to know what they’re doing.
For the first half of our relationship—basically until our oldest was born—I genuinely had a good relationship with both of my in-laws. I’d describe it as respectful, friendly, and easy. At least, that’s how I experienced it.
So what changed?
It didn’t happen overnight. It started with little things that were easy to brush off. We were left out of more invitations, there were a few small acts of pettiness, and occasionally I’d walk away from a conversation wondering, “Did that comment have a little extra sting, or am I imagining things?” For the first few years, none of it was a huge deal. It was more like death by a thousand paper cuts.
Things seemed to pick up after I graduated with my doctorate. Looking back, I’ve often wondered if some of it came from resentment over where our lives were headed. My career was taking off, my husband was thriving in his job, and for the first time we were making enough money to enjoy a few extras. We bought our cabin and could finally do some of the recreational things we’d always wanted to do.
Around that same time, the comments became more frequent. There were plenty of “Must be nice…” remarks, more passive-aggressive behavior, and several situations involving our kids that really rubbed me the wrong way.
For example, we’d ask them to please limit the junk food while they were watching the kids. They’d agree… and then we’d pick up two children who looked like they’d just survived an all-you-can-eat candy buffet. It’s hard to convince yourself you’re overreacting when one of your kids is literally complaining of a stomachache before you even get them buckled into the car and is throwing up by the time you get home.
I’ve realized something about myself over the years: I’ll tolerate a lot when the behavior is directed at me. It’s probably not my healthiest personality trait, but I tend to let things roll off my back. The quickest way to make me see red, though, is to involve the people I love.
To be clear, my in-laws have never abusive towards my children, but I also wouldn’t describe them as a particularly positive influence. They’re mostly absent unless there’s a holiday, a photo-op, or a random outing involved. Even then, it’s often things like taking the kids to the pool… and then refusing to get in the water with them.
The moment that finally broke me happened about three years ago, and on the surface it sounds incredibly ridiculous.
It was shortly after Easter, and I was rationing the kids’ candy to one piece a day. Revolutionary parenting, I know. My mother-in-law came over to watch the kids for a couple of hours while we were gone. When we got home, all of the Easter candy had mysteriously disappeared. I asked the kids where it went, and they cheerfully informed me that Grandma had taken it to her house so they could eat as much as they wanted whenever they visited. Without asking either of us.
Now, was it just candy? Absolutely. But it also wasn’t about the candy. It was about someone deciding that the rules my husband and I had set for our own kids simply didn’t matter. I sent her a message asking her to bring the candy to an event we were both attending the next day. She did, but there was no explanation, no acknowledgment, and certainly no apology.
That was my breaking point.
When I got home, I talked with my husband, who was pretty fed up himself at the time, and we decided to stop trying . We didn’t completely cut contact, but we stopped chasing a relationship that always seemed to leave us frustrated.
Fast forward three years. My husband decided he’d like to give things another shot. Why? I honestly couldn’t tell you, because from my perspective nothing has really changed. If anything, they seem more unhappy than they were before. That said, they’re his parents, and I don’t want to dictate what kind of relationship he has with his own family.
My brilliant suggestion was that he reconnect with them… without involving me.
Oddly enough, he wasn’t a huge fan of that plan. So tonight they’re coming over for dinner – pray for me.
I keep reminding myself that I can survive two to three hours of just about anything, but I already have a pretty good idea how the evening is going to go. My prediction is that my husband will receive nonstop praise while I’ll either become invisible or collect a few passive-aggressive comments whenever he leaves the room.
Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe pigs will fly. At this point, I’m giving both scenarios roughly the same odds.
Sometimes I genuinely wish there were a legal process for divorcing your in-laws without also divorcing your spouse. If someone invents that paperwork, I’d at least like a copy… just in case.
Hopefully tonight goes far better than I’m expecting.
Stay tuned… because this could either be a heartwarming story about reconciliation or tomorrow’s blog post about why I stress-ate an entire bag of chips after dinner.